Leesa’s Life

Archive for October 2011

So, Saturday night was my 25th (yes, I’m THAT old..lol) high school reunion. It was the first reunion I’ve ever gone to and will more then likely be the last. I now realize why I never wanted to go to one before this. Yes, I saw lots of old friends, but this reunion brought up all of those old insecurities and feelings that I had back then also.

I was not a popular person in high school. I wasn’t an athlete, wasn’t a geek, wasn’t musical, wasn’t political, I just was there. It’s not like I was unpopular, people liked me, but I was shy and quiet and basically tried not to be noticed. Fast forward 25 years later and I realize I’m pretty much still that shy, quiet person trying not to be noticed. When I got to the reunion, I immediately searched for a familiar face, found one, went to talk to her and then sat down with my husband. He grabbed some drinks from the bar and I pretty much stayed in that position until we left. Even my best friend didn’t spend much time talking to me. She was off chatting it up with everybody else, getting her picture taken with them, dancing, and enjoying herself, as she should have been. I wanted to get up and do the same, but I just couldn’t do it. I felt that people would stare at me and wonder what the heck I was trying to prove. I just felt silly and insecure all over again and just wanted to fade into the background. I had people talk to me, it’s not like I was totally ignored, but I didn’t make any move to insert myself into the conversations taking place around me.

I couldn’t take more then a few hours of it and hubby and I left at 10pm. I felt bad, but just couldn’t stay. I didn’t fit in 😦 Of course, today I looked through all the pictures on Facebook and was sad that I wasn’t in many of them. Oh sure, I might have been in the background, you could see my hand here, my back there, but it wasn’t the same and of course, that made me sad and pissed me off at the same time. Sad that I didn’t enjoy myself and pissed off that I didn’t make an effort to enjoy myself. I was even peeved at my friends for “pushing” me to attend when I really didn’t want to go in the first place. Why? Because neither one stuck with me. In high school, we were inseparable. If one went somewhere, you bet money that the other two were with, but it wasn’t like that last night. We all went our separate ways. Guess it just made me sad that things weren’t like they used to be.