Leesa’s Life

Archive for January 2011

What was it I said a few posts back about being more positive on my blog? Well, I’ve come to the realization that the only thing I’m positive about is the fact that things suck balls around here anymore. It is just too hard to be positive when things are negative all the time.

Pick a category in my life and I will more then likely hate it at the moment. Work? Hate it. Being self-employed sucks. No time off. Dealing with work issues with the spouse is pure hell. There is no line between work and family. It all blends together no matter how hard I try to keep it separate. Words come out of my mouth before my brain even has time to process them and most of the time those words are hateful and directed towards my hubby. Work is ruining our relationship and I don’t know how to fix it.

Kids? Don’t hate them but do hate the situation that daughter has put herself in and also hate the fact that son has developed this teenage attitude that is going to get a boot permanently shoved up his ass if he’s not careful. Both have worn me out and I can’t deal with either one any longer.

Hubby? Again, I won’t say I hate him, but OMG! I’d like to maim him quite a bit after his flippant attitude towards me this evening. He has this way of making me feel like I do nothing all day long since I work from home. Even if I have worked non-stop, if I don’t have stacks of papers or other concrete evidence in front of me then all I’ve done is sit and watch tv or play on the computer all day. And the bad thing is that when he gets in these moods, I start second guessing myself. I will literally sit and wrack my brain to recall what I did actually accomplish during the day. I usually end up with amnesia and can’t for the life of me recall one task that I completed.

And finally…Myself? I think I hate myself the most. I hate the fact that I’ve let myself go both physically and mentally. I hate that I’ve gained weight, that I can’t stick to a diet to lose it, that I never take time for myself. My hair is in a permanent “don’t give a shit” pony tail anymore. I could care less to style it. I never wear makeup, never dress up when going out. I’ve pretty much given up on myself and you know what, I realize that doing that has filtered over into all other aspects of my life and that is probably why I don’t care about anything anymore. Why should I? Every time I care about something, even something small like how good my split pea soup turned out for dinner, someone or something comes along and takes that pleasure away. If I don’t care to begin with then it won’t hurt when things turn sour.


Sometimes I’m a really good actress. Other times, I couldn’t fake an emotion if my life depended on it. I’m leaning towards that second option at the moment. Trying so hard to fake that I’m excited for my daughter and her upcoming wedding. Trying to fake that I’m happy for her when I’m not is draining all my energy. Every time she mentions the upcoming nuptials, it is all I can do not to snap at her to shut up about it, I don’t want to hear anything to do with it. It’s really getting to me.

She came to work this morning all chipper and happy because she finally found a preacher to perform the ceremony and they finally set a date (July 17, 2011). I know she could tell that I didn’t really care, that I wasn’t as excited as a mother of the bride should be. It kills me not to be happy for her because she is my little girl. I have dreamed of her wedding and how she’ll look walking down the aisle on her father’s arm from the day she was born, but when I know that this wedding, this guy, isn’t the man for her, how do I still feel that same happy feeling?

This isn’t going to be the wedding of her dreams. Her father still refuses to even go. He doesn’t want to be there at all. And knowing how stubborn my husband is he really won’t go. He’ll sit at home while I drag myself there to at least show her some sort of support (even though I’d rather have a root canal then watch her marry this jerk) Who knows…maybe if I stress over it enough I’ll have a nervous breakdown before then. At least then I would have a good excuse not to go to the wedding. I doubt a straight jacket would be acceptable wedding attire.

Today’s topic of conversation around the water cooler was “Getting cold feet”. Apparently, THAT is now the reason for fighting and bickering in my daughter and fiances household. Seems to be his way of dealing with things. When they first got together, he pushed and pressured until she moved in with him. As soon as daughter did that, he decided that things were moving too fast and he pretty much had my daughter second guessing every step she took because she thought she was doing everything wrong. Now they are engaged and whoa….gotta put the brakes on this relationship because now it’s moving way too fast. WTF!?!?! Have my hubby and I not been saying this since Day One? Daughter was in tears today…AGAIN…blaming herself for all the events of the past few days.

I really am to the point of taking hold of this stupid little twit (the fiance, not my daughter) and shaking the shit out of him for his stupid, immature actions. He’s messing with my daughter’s mind and that does not fly with mama bear. Before they got together she was a self-confident girl, and now, she’s timid and scared and always blaming herself for every little thing. It’s really pissing me off.

Daughter’s fiancé has shown his true colors and daughter has finally gotten to see the person that hubby and I have seen from day one. Keep the fingers crossed. Maybe we’ll finally get our wish and she will tell him to hit the road. I figure this is wishful thinking, but hey, a mom can dream…right?

He threatened not to come home from work tonight and she actually told him that was fine with her. I don’t know if he stayed at his dad’s or not, I haven’t talked to her this evening, but boy I sure hope he did so she has time to think about things and see if she really does want to be saddled with this whiney-ass little baby who calls himself a man.

Well, after the lovely events of Christmas, I was hoping that New Year’s would be better, but things aren’t looking up at all. Hubby is still peeved at the boyfriend/fiancé…boyfriend/fiancé is still peeved at the hubby and stuck in the middle of it all is my poor daughter. Not saying that I have changed the way I feel about this boy who she wants to marry, but I am trying to be an adult in this whole situation. I’ve made my feelings known to her, she knows that I’m not a big fan of this guy, but she is my daughter and I see that she does truly care about him and he makes her happy sooooo……I’m not happy about it and I still cry every time I even think of them being married, but I’m holding my tongue and letting her enjoy this time of her life.

Hubby, on the other hand, is making his feelings known to her and making her choose. Unfortunately for him, she is choosing the boyfriend/fiancé over daddy. I don’t blame her. I would have done the same thing when I was her age if my father had done half of the things that my hubby is doing. I understand where my hubby is coming from too though. This boyfriend/fiancé has been a total tool the entire time we’ve known him, he’s a baby in the body of a 21 year old. His mind needs to age several years before it catches up to his size, but I think all men are at that stage in some point of their lives. He’ll get there eventually, I hope….for all our sakes.

Hubby has refused to go to daughter’s wedding. He refuses to walk her down the aisle. He even told her that when the right man comes along THEN he’ll be more then happy to give her away, but until that time, he wants nothing to do with any wedding plans. Ugh. I’m living with my own man child, it seems.

All I know is that I see my daughter, who I love with all my heart, crying whenever she talks about her wedding and it kills me. I see how hurtful my husband is being to her, all the while knowing that he is more hurt himself then anything. This is just his way of acting out on those feelings. I know he loves her too and only wants the best for her. In his eyes, this guy just isn’t it.