How would you feel if you found out that your child was dealing with a major depression and you didn’t notice ANY SIGNS?!? Well, let me tell you, that I feel like a big failure. Thankfully, my daughter was able to get to a doctor and get help, but what if she hadn’t? Would I have come home one day to find her dead? It’s a scary thought and it has been running through my head all day. How could I not see any signs? Even thinking about it now, I can’t for the life of me see anything that would have even hinted at the fact that she was depressed.

She says she has felt this way for a long, long time…years actually. Yet, I didn’t see it. Sure, there were times that she would be sad, but it was usually from the excuse of missing a friend or not being included in a sleepover, something that ALL kids go through at times. How was I to know that it was more then that? It’s not like we don’t talk. Actually we talk a lot. She has told me things about her life that I never would have felt comfortable talking to my mom about yet she never told me anything about her being depressed.

She went to the doctor this morning….told me it was for a checkup…yet when she came home, she told me that the doctor had prescribed her antidepressants and wants her to go talk to a therapist. I’m glad she is getting help and I hope that this is something that she can work through, but I’m still feeling terrible about not noticing. I know this isn’t about me though. It’s about her. I need to get past my feelings and help her work on hers (if she wants me to).

Side Note:  If anybody who is friends with me on Facebook is reading this and would like to comment, please do so on my blog and not on Facebook.  Miranda hasn’t told many people yet and she doesn’t want it out there for our friends and family to see.  Thanks ahead of time

Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past few weeks. Things are finally getting back to normal around here after all the hubbub of my last post.

I can’t say that things are 100% yet, but hubby and I are both working on things and thankfully they are going in the right direction. We even took a weekend trip, just us, to work on things and that really helped a lot.

Right now we are planning our anniversary weekend (Sept.20) This will make our 19th year together as husband and wife. I’m excited. No definite idea what we’re doing yet, but I have a slight one. I know we’re going out of town and I know it’ll be for 3 days. Just don’t know all the exacts on it yet.

Otherwise, like I said, things are going better. School is back in full swing for my son and he’s loving high school. My daughter starts her college classes the end of this month so she’s looking forward to that. Business is starting to slow down a little bit, like it normally does this time of year. All in all, it’s good.

First of all…I’m not making this a private post because I want any help I can get.  That doesn’t mean though that I will subject myself to hurtful or rude comments.  I’ve got enough of that crap going on in my head and I don’t need anybody else…stranger or friend…to put more in there. 

Where do I start?  I told myself I just needed to start writing, but when I don’t even know where to begin that is hard.  If I go all the way back to the beginning, this post will turn into a book.  I guess I’ll just start with all that’s been going on here these past couple of weeks.  To begin with, I screwed up big time.  All my trying to finnagle our finances blew up in my face when hubby figured out what was going on.  Besides his being completely and totally outraged, I was publically humiliated.  I won’t go into detail, but will say that I felt about as tall as the belly of a snake and that sure ain’t very tall. 

The whole finance thing stoked the fires of our already smoldering relationship (and not in a good way smoldering either).  It prompted words of anger and hate and divorce.  At one point, hubby and I were all set to spend the rest of our lives apart.  I was too tired.  I couldn’t fight it anymore.  I normally beg and plead and try to salvage whatever is there, but I just didn’t have it in me to do it then.  It didn’t come to that though.  HE came back to me, saying that he wanted to work things out.  I gladly accepted and being the gullible self that I am thought things were going to be ok.

Forward ahead to yesterday when I casually get online to start my day.  I opened my Internet Explorer and (anybody else who uses the newer version will know what I’m talking about here) the most recently visited websites popped up on the opening page.  Smack dab in the middle was a site that made my whole world come crashing down around me….a dating/affair website…one that my husband had mentioned at one other time in a heated conversation. 

Needless to say, I snooped.  I shouldn’t have.  I should have just come right out and asked what was going on, but the inner critical self had to know EXACTLY what was going on and see it for myself.  What I found made me physically sick.  He wasn’t going out on me….yet….but he was chatting with women…women who live in just the next town over from us…women he could easily hook up with since he works such odd hours….women who if I ever see I will probably be arrested after I’m done with them.  I spent the rest of the day snooping, checking phone records, text messages, becoming more and more obsessed with what was going on.

I wasn’t going to say anything to him, but rather see if anything else transpired (call me a chicken, call me a nut case, I just didn’t want the confrontation), but when he came home I couldn’t hold it in.  I screamed and yelled and he denied, denied until I showed him proof then he couldn’t deny anymore.  That’s when he started in on how much he loves me, only wants to be with me, but I’ve been distant and cold for so long now that he felt he needed to do this to see if things would be different with us when I found out.  Yes, odd way of thinking on his part, but after talking to him I realize that he is right.  I have been distant (I didn’t think I’d been cold too, but I guess I have).  I’ve been so worried about myself that I didn’t realize how much I was hurting him.

My problem now….after much blubbering and bawling and basically groveling to my husband…how do I fix myself?  Aside from a brain transplant, how can I get back to being myself again?  I’ve come to the conclusion after talking to him today that my main problem is low self esteem.  And negative thoughts that run through my head all day long, no matter what is going on.  How do you fix low self esteem when you have had it all your life?  I know that some of it comes from my weight…I’m fat…I know that…I’ve tried to fix it, but haven’t succeeded.  I know what to do, but can’t stick with it long enough to accomplish what is needed and that  just sets me up for more of the negative thoughts.  How do you turn that off?  How do you go from telling yourself that you are worthless fifty times a day to saying that YOU ARE WORTH IT? 

And now, even though my husband swears to God and a stack of Bibles that I can trust him not to continue on with his wandering eye, how do I trust him?  How do I trust someone who I need to trust?  How do I keep the thoughts of every time he leaves the house is he calling/texting this other woman or women?  How do I keep from spying on him to make sure he is telling me the truth?  I want to believe him.  We have almost 20 years together.  I don’t want to throw that away.  But from my actions over the past several years, that is a distinct possiblity.  A very real possibility.  A very scary possibility. 

My brain is a muddled mess right now.  I need to work on myself, my self esteem, my personality, my emotions, my mental health, but how?  Especially when the one person I want to do this for, besides myself, could possibly leave me.  I want to change, want to feel good about myself again rather.  But I think I’m always going to have that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach of whether it’s all for nothing.

Anybody who has been following me on Facebook knows that I have a lot of status updates throughout the day. Usually they are pertaining to how I’m feeling at the moment, either being frustrated with work or things my family are up to. Earlier this afternoon, I posted the following status:

Really wishing a certain someone didn’t think they needed it all. Sometimes you just need to be happy with what you have and stop wanting more.

I’m sure that has caused some to ask who I am talking about. Rather then put it out there on Facebook since I do have a few people who follow me that really don’t need to know, I’m putting it here. I’m talking about my hubby. When we first got together, he was a very humble man. He wasn’t one to think he needed to keep up with the Joneses. He was fine with what he had. BUT since we started our business and have been fairly successful, he thinks he always needs the newest, most expensive items out there. Where a normal vehicle used to be fine, now it’s got to be the flashiest, top of the line model. Where our house was just the right size, now he wants to add on and build it bigger and bigger and bigger.

I guess I’m just not liking the new version of him right now. I want the humble man back that I fell in love with. It is hard to have those feelings though when you are wondering in the back of your mind whether he is ready to trade you in for a newer model too.

I think I have snapped. Before, when things got on my nerves, I would show my frustrations either by exploding, throwing things, yelling, screaming, etc.  Now, not so much.  For example, yesterday I was swamped with work.  It was time for our monthly billing invoices to be sent out and I was busting my behind to get them all set to go to the post office.  The phone had been ringing a lot and normally that would have sent me into a frenzied panic, the fear of not completing the invoicing running through my brain, but yesterday…..nothing.  I even had a call from a very irate old fart who thought he’d gotten the right number, but hadn’t.  I listened to him rant and rave into the phone at me for something I’d supposedly done for a good five minutes.  I think he called me stupid a total of six times and then he moved onto words I won’t repeat here.  When he finally took a breath, I told him that he had the wrong number and he argued with me that he did not.  I took it all in stride.  No emotion whatsoever came out.  I calmly listened to him for a couple more minutes then just told him again…nicely…that he’d called the wrong number and I hung up.  That was the end of it.  Nothing.  I went back to my work and didn’t think any more of it.  Normally, even when I’m not stressed about the ten million things that I’ve been stressed about these past few months, I would NOT let someone talk to me like that without repercussions.  I would have at least raised my voice and told him to shut up, but that didn’t happen.  So, I ask you, does this sound like I’m  bottling things up until I completely explode or have I already hit the proverbial wall and lost my mind completely?  I’m leaning towards the latter.  At least if I lost it and have completely broken down, I can look forward to not sinking any lower.  If I’m still bottling things up, then I fear for all of those people who are around me.  They should run and hide to escape the inevitable doom.

If one more thing is added to my already frazzled mind, I’m going to explode. I just can NOT take this anymore. I’ve had it. Between work and personal life, I’m in overload. Finances are driving me insane. I try to save money, others spend it like it grows on trees. I think that is the main stress right now…trying to pay bills when the money just isn’t there.

Business-wise, we took on a new contract on July 1 and, while the money from that contract is going to be awesome, we won’t see any of it until the end of August. So, again bills are stacking up and no money is coming in to pay them. I’ve tried telling hubby this, but he doesn’t want to hear it. His feeling is that he works hard and he’ll spend money on fun stuff because “he deserves it”. Well, in my opinion, we all deserve to have a roof over our heads and food on the table too, but we’re not going to be able to have those things if he doesn’t quit buying his damn toys.

I’ve noticed that I have been spending a LOT of time online lately too instead of dealing with emotions. You know how easy it is to lose yourself in an online game of slots or solitaire when you don’t want to deal with reality? Pretty damn easy! I spend most of my evenings on Facebook, chatting with friends too. Easier to deny then deal.

I outlined in my last post how stressful things have been around here lately.  I was really hoping that by now I could say that things have calmed down, but unfortunately that is not the case.  If anything, it’s gotten worse.  I’m no longer the calm, happy person that I used to be.  When customers call, I know they can tell that I’m not happy to be answering their calls.   I hate that too because I do pride myself on doing a good job…usually…but now I just don’t care and I know that comes through.  EVERYTHING bothers me now.  I find myself snipping at the smallest questions.  I am not enjoying anything that I used to find fun in the past.  I am always tired, but can’t fall asleep at night.  Sleeping pills don’t even help.  I might fall asleep, but still wake up off and on throughout the night therefore making me even more tired the next day because the pill hasn’t worn off.  I don’t know what to do.  I just want time away!  I want to get back to my old self and actually enjoy my life, my family, even my job if that is possible.

Or as I told Amy, What pisses me off should be killed has been my motto for the past couple of weeks. I really thought that once summer vacation got here that I would be able to relax and actually enjoy my life. Nope. It’s been more stressful around here then it was when I was still dealing with all the kid’s end of school stuff and graduation. It’s mostly business related….we got a new contract with a nearby city and that is taking a LOT of time and energy to get things together.

Financing this endeavor has  been hairy. First, we get the contract then find out that our local bank, who has always assured us that we had a line of credit with them,  won’t lend us the money to buy the inventory we need so we had to go on a bank hunt to find one that would. We found one, but it’s been a pain in the ass getting the money we borrowed from them. I think when a bank says you are approved for a certain amount of money and you sign the papers with all the repayment terms, etc. that you should be able to get that amount of money. Well, for some reason this bank doesn’t want to do that. They are holding about $20K hostage and will not release it to us for some unknown reason. So, we’ve been fighting them on that, showing them receipts/quotes/etc. to prove that the money is being used for the business and not being blown on a tropical vacation (even though that’s what I desparately need right now).

Another problem:  We thought we had all the contract terms decided between us and the city only to get a call later that there were a “couple of words” that weren’t right so having to deal with the lawyers on that to get it the way both sides want it has been a real pain. Lawyers aren’t fun people to deal with in any capacity, but these two that are working for us and the city seem to be extremely ‘pricky’..is that a word?… and have absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever.

 To top things off, this crappy economy has finally started to affect us and our customers aren’t wanting, or able, to pay their bills so our income has dropped therefore making it harder for US to pay OUR bills. Again, just more stress to deal with.

What ended up pushing me over the proverbial ledge though was my printer. Yep, my printer. You’d think with all the other crap I’m dealing with that a little printer problem would seem like a teeny little speck in the big picture, but nope, when it quit working so did my mind. I completely lost it. That day I completely shut down. I couldn’t function at all. It was like a piece of my brain just quit working. I was lucky to get through the rest of that day without exploding. The next day was no better. I woke up and had to drag myself out of bed. I had no energy and again my brain was numb. I looked at my list of things to do and just started crying. That lasted ALL DAY. Every little thing brought forth the tears. I just couldn’t stop.

And unfortunately hubby isn’t helping matters any.  You would think that when a husband sees that his wife is about to lose her mind that he’d step in and help, be there for her, comfort her, try to make things easier, right?  Not my husband.  Nope, he thrives on my frustration. 

Example: I’ve been wanting to get into the pool since the first day of summer vacation. I had been having problems keeping the water clear so I took a water sample to the pool supply place. They suggested flocking, which I immediately came home and put into the pool. I just had to sweep the stuff out once it settled all the crap to the bottom.  I have to vacuum to waste (meaning all that water goes out onto the ground) and I can never seem to get all the crap vacuumed out before my water level gets too low.  My hubby could tell that it was frustrating me, but do you think he offered any help or even words of encouragement?  No, he just sat back and offered snippy comments about how what I was doing wasn’t working.  No shit Sherlock!  Do you think I didn’t know that?  And I told him so.  His response….you’re gonna love this….”I just needed you to SAY that it was frustrating you.  I could tell, but I just wanted to hear you say it”.  WTF!!!!  Who in their right mind acts like that?  The bad thing is when I called him on it, told him that it was pretty sadistic to thrive on someone else’s frustrations and get his jollys off on things like that, he just laughed.  Most days I do love this man, some days I do not.

And the icing on the cake:  The lawn mower quit working yesterday. Something in the engine went kaboom when my son was mowing. Hubby looked at it and decided that it wasn’t fixable so there is another expense to add to our list of things we need, but just can’t afford at the moment.   Shoot me, just shoot me now…please.

SO, that is how my life has been the past few weeks. I’m to the point that I need to get away and not think about all the crap that is happening here, but can’t afford it and really don’t have the time anyway and truthfully I’d just worry about things the whole time I was gone. What do I do? I’ve tried meditation, doesn’t help, drinking LOTS of alcohol, only numbs it for a little bit and then I have a hangover to add to my list of crap to deal with.  I’ll just keep plugging along, I guess, and hope that it gets better over time. I know it will, it always does, but the days that stress has a death grip around my throat I really have to wonder.

Last night was girl’s night….just me and my daughter. We went shopping, had our “cancellation” meal (healthy subway sandwich, not so healthy DQ ice cream…the calories cancel each other out, right? Like eating a high calorie meal, but having diet coke…it all evens out, right? Well, that’s how we look at it anyway. lol) then rented a movie (Made of Honor w/ Patrick Dempsey…oohlala) and watched that while munching on freshly popped and buttered popcorn. It was a fun evening and I can’t wait to do it with her again.

My daughter’s high school graduation was Friday night. All day leading up to the big event, I cried. Over every. little. thing. I cried when I woke up and realized it was The Day. I cried at the hairdresser’s while getting my hair done. I cried in the shower that afternoon. I cried getting dressed. I cried on the drive to school. And then…an amazing thing happened. I think I cried myself dry. No more tears flowed that evening. When my daughter walked in, the only emotion I felt was extreme pride. I thought when they played the Senior video (showing the kids throughout the years) that the tears would flow again, but nope. I held firm. And then the big moment came and my daughter walked up the stage, the principal called her name, she received her diploma. No tears, but a big round of applause and a loud “Woooooo Miranda” escaped my mouth (she said she about dropped of embarrassment when she heard me) and then the final event, the tassel moving from right to left to signify that she had graduated and still, no tears. I just about burst with pride, but thankfully no tears. I know nobody would have thought anything of it if I had teared up, but I, for one, didn’t want to leave the gym with a red, runny nose and bloodshot eyes. Besides, we had to take pictures afterwards and I had to look my best, right?