Leesa’s Life

Anybody who has been following me on Facebook knows that I have a lot of status updates throughout the day. Usually they are pertaining to how I’m feeling at the moment, either being frustrated with work or things my family are up to. Earlier this afternoon, I posted the following status:

Really wishing a certain someone didn’t think they needed it all. Sometimes you just need to be happy with what you have and stop wanting more.

I’m sure that has caused some to ask who I am talking about. Rather then put it out there on Facebook since I do have a few people who follow me that really don’t need to know, I’m putting it here. I’m talking about my hubby. When we first got together, he was a very humble man. He wasn’t one to think he needed to keep up with the Joneses. He was fine with what he had. BUT since we started our business and have been fairly successful, he thinks he always needs the newest, most expensive items out there. Where a normal vehicle used to be fine, now it’s got to be the flashiest, top of the line model. Where our house was just the right size, now he wants to add on and build it bigger and bigger and bigger.

I guess I’m just not liking the new version of him right now. I want the humble man back that I fell in love with. It is hard to have those feelings though when you are wondering in the back of your mind whether he is ready to trade you in for a newer model too.

I think I have snapped. Before, when things got on my nerves, I would show my frustrations either by exploding, throwing things, yelling, screaming, etc.  Now, not so much.  For example, yesterday I was swamped with work.  It was time for our monthly billing invoices to be sent out and I was busting my behind to get them all set to go to the post office.  The phone had been ringing a lot and normally that would have sent me into a frenzied panic, the fear of not completing the invoicing running through my brain, but yesterday…..nothing.  I even had a call from a very irate old fart who thought he’d gotten the right number, but hadn’t.  I listened to him rant and rave into the phone at me for something I’d supposedly done for a good five minutes.  I think he called me stupid a total of six times and then he moved onto words I won’t repeat here.  When he finally took a breath, I told him that he had the wrong number and he argued with me that he did not.  I took it all in stride.  No emotion whatsoever came out.  I calmly listened to him for a couple more minutes then just told him again…nicely…that he’d called the wrong number and I hung up.  That was the end of it.  Nothing.  I went back to my work and didn’t think any more of it.  Normally, even when I’m not stressed about the ten million things that I’ve been stressed about these past few months, I would NOT let someone talk to me like that without repercussions.  I would have at least raised my voice and told him to shut up, but that didn’t happen.  So, I ask you, does this sound like I’m  bottling things up until I completely explode or have I already hit the proverbial wall and lost my mind completely?  I’m leaning towards the latter.  At least if I lost it and have completely broken down, I can look forward to not sinking any lower.  If I’m still bottling things up, then I fear for all of those people who are around me.  They should run and hide to escape the inevitable doom.

If one more thing is added to my already frazzled mind, I’m going to explode. I just can NOT take this anymore. I’ve had it. Between work and personal life, I’m in overload. Finances are driving me insane. I try to save money, others spend it like it grows on trees. I think that is the main stress right now…trying to pay bills when the money just isn’t there.

Business-wise, we took on a new contract on July 1 and, while the money from that contract is going to be awesome, we won’t see any of it until the end of August. So, again bills are stacking up and no money is coming in to pay them. I’ve tried telling hubby this, but he doesn’t want to hear it. His feeling is that he works hard and he’ll spend money on fun stuff because “he deserves it”. Well, in my opinion, we all deserve to have a roof over our heads and food on the table too, but we’re not going to be able to have those things if he doesn’t quit buying his damn toys.

I’ve noticed that I have been spending a LOT of time online lately too instead of dealing with emotions. You know how easy it is to lose yourself in an online game of slots or solitaire when you don’t want to deal with reality? Pretty damn easy! I spend most of my evenings on Facebook, chatting with friends too. Easier to deny then deal.