Leesa’s Life

Most homes, on the eve of Thanksgiving, are beginning to have the wonderful scents and aromas of delicious food wafting throughout.  Mine, however, is a different story.  My house stinks.  Why?  Because my hubby hit a SKUNK on his way back from town tonight and it sprayed my car…A LOT!  Even after running my car through the car wash FOUR times, it still reeks.  Even parking the car OUTSIDE and not in the garage, the stench has made its way into the house.  I have candles galore burning.  I’ve sprayed air freshener all over the house.  NOTHING IS WORKING.  It’s to the point that the smell is making me sick to my stomach.  Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not cooking a big meal for friends and family tomorrow.  I don’t think anybody would have much of an appetite.

Wow!  I can’t believe that I didn’t write any posts in October.  I knew it had been awhile.  With everything that has been going on, I guess my blog was the last thing on my mind.  Let me give you a short version of all the things that have been happening.

1)  Hubby and I came thisclose to getting a divorce.  Things had been getting worse and worse between us and the stress finally caught up with us both.  We’re working on it now, things aren’t too bad (depending on the day of the week), but I still wonder sometimes if I should have just went ahead and gone through with leaving.

2)  My cousin died unexpectedly two weeks ago.  She was only 38 years old.  One minute she was there, living her life…the next minute, she was gone.  They think she had a massive heart attack.  At least that’s what the coroner says.

3) Daughter was diagnosed with depression then a few weeks later she passed out in class and we thought that she might have a heart problem.  The doctor did a bunch of blood work and ruled out anemia, blood sugar issues, thyroid issues, etc and the next step was heart tests.  She had an echocardiogram and thankfully it came back normal so we are back to square one.  ECSTATIC that she doesn’t have a heart problem, but still looking for an answer as to why she fainted (this was the 3rd time that it happened)

4) The holidays are coming up and, for me, I really wish they would just go away.  I’ve become such a Scrooge about them in the past several years.  I think because of  all the problems with hubby that I’ve had.  It is hard to be excited about a holiday when you know there is going to more then likely be a fight at some point….either over money, an unwanted gift, too many visitors, etc…there will almost certainly be some sort of tiff.   I watch Christmas specials (movies) on tv and they actually piss me off anymore because I’m annoyed that my life isn’t like that.  Not exactly the point of a holiday movie, is it?

That’s pretty much it.  Guess there was  a reason why I hadn’t written any posts.  My life has been hectic, but really not post worthy.

How would you feel if you found out that your child was dealing with a major depression and you didn’t notice ANY SIGNS?!? Well, let me tell you, that I feel like a big failure. Thankfully, my daughter was able to get to a doctor and get help, but what if she hadn’t? Would I have come home one day to find her dead? It’s a scary thought and it has been running through my head all day. How could I not see any signs? Even thinking about it now, I can’t for the life of me see anything that would have even hinted at the fact that she was depressed.

She says she has felt this way for a long, long time…years actually. Yet, I didn’t see it. Sure, there were times that she would be sad, but it was usually from the excuse of missing a friend or not being included in a sleepover, something that ALL kids go through at times. How was I to know that it was more then that? It’s not like we don’t talk. Actually we talk a lot. She has told me things about her life that I never would have felt comfortable talking to my mom about yet she never told me anything about her being depressed.

She went to the doctor this morning….told me it was for a checkup…yet when she came home, she told me that the doctor had prescribed her antidepressants and wants her to go talk to a therapist. I’m glad she is getting help and I hope that this is something that she can work through, but I’m still feeling terrible about not noticing. I know this isn’t about me though. It’s about her. I need to get past my feelings and help her work on hers (if she wants me to).

Side Note:  If anybody who is friends with me on Facebook is reading this and would like to comment, please do so on my blog and not on Facebook.  Miranda hasn’t told many people yet and she doesn’t want it out there for our friends and family to see.  Thanks ahead of time

Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past few weeks. Things are finally getting back to normal around here after all the hubbub of my last post.

I can’t say that things are 100% yet, but hubby and I are both working on things and thankfully they are going in the right direction. We even took a weekend trip, just us, to work on things and that really helped a lot.

Right now we are planning our anniversary weekend (Sept.20) This will make our 19th year together as husband and wife. I’m excited. No definite idea what we’re doing yet, but I have a slight one. I know we’re going out of town and I know it’ll be for 3 days. Just don’t know all the exacts on it yet.

Otherwise, like I said, things are going better. School is back in full swing for my son and he’s loving high school. My daughter starts her college classes the end of this month so she’s looking forward to that. Business is starting to slow down a little bit, like it normally does this time of year. All in all, it’s good.

First of all…I’m not making this a private post because I want any help I can get.  That doesn’t mean though that I will subject myself to hurtful or rude comments.  I’ve got enough of that crap going on in my head and I don’t need anybody else…stranger or friend…to put more in there. 

Where do I start?  I told myself I just needed to start writing, but when I don’t even know where to begin that is hard.  If I go all the way back to the beginning, this post will turn into a book.  I guess I’ll just start with all that’s been going on here these past couple of weeks.  To begin with, I screwed up big time.  All my trying to finnagle our finances blew up in my face when hubby figured out what was going on.  Besides his being completely and totally outraged, I was publically humiliated.  I won’t go into detail, but will say that I felt about as tall as the belly of a snake and that sure ain’t very tall. 

The whole finance thing stoked the fires of our already smoldering relationship (and not in a good way smoldering either).  It prompted words of anger and hate and divorce.  At one point, hubby and I were all set to spend the rest of our lives apart.  I was too tired.  I couldn’t fight it anymore.  I normally beg and plead and try to salvage whatever is there, but I just didn’t have it in me to do it then.  It didn’t come to that though.  HE came back to me, saying that he wanted to work things out.  I gladly accepted and being the gullible self that I am thought things were going to be ok.

Forward ahead to yesterday when I casually get online to start my day.  I opened my Internet Explorer and (anybody else who uses the newer version will know what I’m talking about here) the most recently visited websites popped up on the opening page.  Smack dab in the middle was a site that made my whole world come crashing down around me….a dating/affair website…one that my husband had mentioned at one other time in a heated conversation.  … continue reading this entry.

Anybody who has been following me on Facebook knows that I have a lot of status updates throughout the day. Usually they are pertaining to how I’m feeling at the moment, either being frustrated with work or things my family are up to. Earlier this afternoon, I posted the following status:

Really wishing a certain someone didn’t think they needed it all. Sometimes you just need to be happy with what you have and stop wanting more.

I’m sure that has caused some to ask who I am talking about. Rather then put it out there on Facebook since I do have a few people who follow me that really don’t need to know, I’m putting it here. I’m talking about my hubby. When we first got together, he was a very humble man. He wasn’t one to think he needed to keep up with the Joneses. He was fine with what he had. BUT since we started our business and have been fairly successful, he thinks he always needs the newest, most expensive items out there. Where a normal vehicle used to be fine, now it’s got to be the flashiest, top of the line model. Where our house was just the right size, now he wants to add on and build it bigger and bigger and bigger.

I guess I’m just not liking the new version of him right now. I want the humble man back that I fell in love with. It is hard to have those feelings though when you are wondering in the back of your mind whether he is ready to trade you in for a newer model too.

I think I have snapped. Before, when things got on my nerves, I would show my frustrations either by exploding, throwing things, yelling, screaming, etc.  Now, not so much.  For example, yesterday I was swamped with work.  It was time for our monthly billing invoices to be sent out and I was busting my behind to get them all set to go to the post office.  The phone had been ringing a lot and normally that would have sent me into a frenzied panic, the fear of not completing the invoicing running through my brain, but yesterday…..nothing.  I even had a call from a very irate old fart who thought he’d gotten the right number, but hadn’t.  I listened to him rant and rave into the phone at me for something I’d supposedly done for a good five minutes.  I think he called me stupid a total of six times and then he moved onto words I won’t repeat here.  When he finally took a breath, I told him that he had the wrong number and he argued with me that he did not.  I took it all in stride.  No emotion whatsoever came out.  I calmly listened to him for a couple more minutes then just told him again…nicely…that he’d called the wrong number and I hung up.  That was the end of it.  Nothing.  I went back to my work and didn’t think any more of it.  Normally, even when I’m not stressed about the ten million things that I’ve been stressed about these past few months, I would NOT let someone talk to me like that without repercussions.  I would have at least raised my voice and told him to shut up, but that didn’t happen.  So, I ask you, does this sound like I’m  bottling things up until I completely explode or have I already hit the proverbial wall and lost my mind completely?  I’m leaning towards the latter.  At least if I lost it and have completely broken down, I can look forward to not sinking any lower.  If I’m still bottling things up, then I fear for all of those people who are around me.  They should run and hide to escape the inevitable doom.

If one more thing is added to my already frazzled mind, I’m going to explode. I just can NOT take this anymore. I’ve had it. Between work and personal life, I’m in overload. Finances are driving me insane. I try to save money, others spend it like it grows on trees. I think that is the main stress right now…trying to pay bills when the money just isn’t there.

Business-wise, we took on a new contract on July 1 and, while the money from that contract is going to be awesome, we won’t see any of it until the end of August. So, again bills are stacking up and no money is coming in to pay them. I’ve tried telling hubby this, but he doesn’t want to hear it. His feeling is that he works hard and he’ll spend money on fun stuff because “he deserves it”. Well, in my opinion, we all deserve to have a roof over our heads and food on the table too, but we’re not going to be able to have those things if he doesn’t quit buying his damn toys.

I’ve noticed that I have been spending a LOT of time online lately too instead of dealing with emotions. You know how easy it is to lose yourself in an online game of slots or solitaire when you don’t want to deal with reality? Pretty damn easy! I spend most of my evenings on Facebook, chatting with friends too. Easier to deny then deal.