Leesa’s Life

Was really hoping that this year was going to be different. Since selling the business, it has been so nice and stress-free around here that I actually let myself believe for half a second that the holidays would be the same. Boy, was I wrong.

It was going fine until this afternoon. Hubby bit into my son and now it’s full on pout mode for both of them. We’re supposed to be heading to my mother in-laws’ for Christmas Eve with Hubby’s side of the family in a couple of hours. Debating on whether I even want to go at all. It’ll go one of two ways, I’m sure. 1) Hubby will pout and sulk the entire time, sitting on the couch, glaring at everybody who dares to ask him any question or wish him a Merry Christmas or 2) Hubby will act like nothing happened at all, will have a stupid ass grin on his face all evening and then when we leave pull the silent treatment on everybody. Either one will be unbearable to deal with.

I can’t believe that it is time for Christmas already. I’m so not ready for the holidays. It should still be September, not December…20 days until Christmas. Yikes!

It’s hard for me to get in the mood for the holiday blitz anymore. I’ve turned into the dreaded Scrooge. Christmas, isn’t fun, it is a chore…a dreaded chore. If I could skip it, I would.

But…I can’t. So, I dragged myself to the stores today and forced myself to look and buy gifts, gifts I don’t even care if the recipients like. I’ll keep the receipts. They can return them later if they don’t because I really don’t care. Too many times over the past few years, the holidays have turned into war zones. Last year was the whole “engagement” fiasco with my daughter. The year before it was fighting between my hubby and his brother. The year before that, a fight between hubby and his sister. I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

I think this year that I’m putting up a shield ahead of time to protect myself from more disappointment. I’m sure there will be another argument, a fight, etc but maybe if I go into the holidays with an “I don’t care” attitude then it won’t hurt as bad when things blow up? I’ll let you know if it works.

We sold our business about two months ago. For me, that was pretty much the end of the line when it came to a job. Sure, I helped out the new owners for a little while, getting things straightened out. Hubby, on the other hand, went to work for the new owner full time. He is one of these people that just can’t sit at home and do nothing. He’s always on the go so when we sold our business he knew from the get-go that he would work for them. On a side note: We sold the business because it was becoming too overwhelming for just myself and hubby to handle. He didn’t mind the work, just hated being a boss.

Ok, back to my story: After selling, about a month later, things started to turn a tad sour between hubby and the new owner. Hubby was still bending over backwards to help the new owner out, but was getting no compensation and definitely no appreciation for what he was doing. They had basically come to expect him to work as hard, if not harder, then he did when we owned the business and they were taking full advantage of it.

Today, however, was the last straw. The new owners brought in a new employee from a competing company, one that we had actually tried to recruit ourselves. Hubby had no problem with that and was actually quite excited to be getting some more help. But he was not so excited when he found out that this new employee would be his supervisor after having no experience in supervising positions. This new employee, although having worked for the competitor, was a very low man on that competitors totem pole, but I’m guessing he spun himself to look like a savior to the new owners so they’d hire him in a higher position (i.e.. bigger paycheck). Apparently the new owners don’t really check work references because this is the second employee that they’ve brought on since buying us out that has not had the experience that they’ve said they have. Anyway, once hubby found this out, he decided to talk to the new owner. Things didn’t go well and he ended up quitting!!!! So, he’s not unemployed, which is freaking me out. I know he’ll do fine in whatever he chooses to do, but it’s still scary. It’s one thing for me to be unemployed. Before we started out business, I was a homemaker and didn’t have an income coming in. But hubby has always had a job so this is a new venture for him. He’s resourceful though and will make whatever he chooses to do next successful. Just keep your fingers crossed that it is sooner rather then later because although we can survive for awhile without an income coming in, I’d rather not go that route.

So, Saturday night was my 25th (yes, I’m THAT old..lol) high school reunion. It was the first reunion I’ve ever gone to and will more then likely be the last. I now realize why I never wanted to go to one before this. Yes, I saw lots of old friends, but this reunion brought up all of those old insecurities and feelings that I had back then also.

I was not a popular person in high school. I wasn’t an athlete, wasn’t a geek, wasn’t musical, wasn’t political, I just was there. It’s not like I was unpopular, people liked me, but I was shy and quiet and basically tried not to be noticed. Fast forward 25 years later and I realize I’m pretty much still that shy, quiet person trying not to be noticed. When I got to the reunion, I immediately searched for a familiar face, found one, went to talk to her and then sat down with my husband. He grabbed some drinks from the bar and I pretty much stayed in that position until we left. Even my best friend didn’t spend much time talking to me. She was off chatting it up with everybody else, getting her picture taken with them, dancing, and enjoying herself, as she should have been. I wanted to get up and do the same, but I just couldn’t do it. I felt that people would stare at me and wonder what the heck I was trying to prove. I just felt silly and insecure all over again and just wanted to fade into the background. I had people talk to me, it’s not like I was totally ignored, but I didn’t make any move to insert myself into the conversations taking place around me.

I couldn’t take more then a few hours of it and hubby and I left at 10pm. I felt bad, but just couldn’t stay. I didn’t fit in Of course, today I looked through all the pictures on Facebook and was sad that I wasn’t in many of them. Oh sure, I might have been in the background, you could see my hand here, my back there, but it wasn’t the same and of course, that made me sad and pissed me off at the same time. Sad that I didn’t enjoy myself and pissed off that I didn’t make an effort to enjoy myself. I was even peeved at my friends for “pushing” me to attend when I really didn’t want to go in the first place. Why? Because neither one stuck with me. In high school, we were inseparable. If one went somewhere, you bet money that the other two were with, but it wasn’t like that last night. We all went our separate ways. Guess it just made me sad that things weren’t like they used to be.

Let sleeping dogs lie…that is one saying that I really wish would sink in around here. Every time things start calming down, things get quiet, someone…ok it’s hubby….dredges up something to make things explode all over again.

Last post told you about the employee who totaled our truck. Well, guess what? The idiot is suing US over the accident. He totalled a $100,000 work truck and he is suing US. Yeah. Anyway, things had quieted down from it. Our attorney was working on a settlement and it looked like things were going to be taken care of calmly and quietly. Enter hubby today…spouting off at the mouth, telling anybody who will listen how this employee is nothing but a money grubber seeing big dollar signs since he knows we’re going out of business, and he has riled employee right up there in where he is now seeking even bigger $$. Hubby couldn’t just sit back and let the lawyer do his job, noooo….he has to go all Rambo and screw it all up. I understand that he is mad. I understand that this employee really has no right to what he was asking for in the first place BUT when you are in business, lawsuits are a part of that. There is always going to be someone who sees what you have and want a piece of that for themselves. That is where our lawyer comes in. He is there to make sure that those piece wanters don’t get too much of a chunk. He was doing his job, the piece that we were going to have to give up was nothing really, but now who knows what kind of check we’re going to have to write out. Just wish Hubby would learn to keep his mouth shut so I didn’t have to sit and worry myself to death over the crap he likes to stir up.

I’m crazy. Mentally insane. Cuckoo for Coco Puffs. Gone.

Events of the past week drove me there although it’s been coming for some time now. I always knew the business stress would do me in and I was right. All it took was an auto accident to give me that final nudge over the edge. I wasn’t even involved in the accident. It was an employee (he’s ok thankfully) but he was driving our newest truck (only had it a little over a year) and it totaled it (of course). Our insurance has decided to be a royal pain (aren’t they all?) and not pay for half of what we were supposedly paying our premiums for so we’re left with a ton of money owed on something that we don’t even have now. Top that off with another accident (minor fender bender) the next day and that was enough to send me spiraling into the depths of insanity. I’m talking full blown babbling, drooling, sitting in the corner rocking back and forth insanity. Give me that pretty white jacket with the long arms and buckles and stick me in that lovely room with the fluffy walls and I’ll be happy.

It drove the hubby over the edge too. We’re giving up this business before it kills us both. Bad thing though we will have nothing to show for 10+ years of hard work. No savings, no retirement, nothing except broken minds and bodies and 10+ years that we’d both like to forget.

Every time I turn around, just when I think things are looking up, BAM! Something else comes along and smacks me in the face. The past year, year and a half, has been hectic and frustrating. Between business and family issues, it’s pretty much just sucked.

My relationship with my daughter is strained now, at best. She married a guy that nobody in the family can stand, and although I wish her a lifetime of happiness, it’s changed the relationship that we used to have. She no longer calls me just to chat, doesn’t visit, etc. Every so often I’ll catch her on Facebook and say Hi just to be told that she’s really busy at the moment and can’t really talk, but she’ll talk later on. That never happens.

Husband and my relationship has at least gotten better. That’s one bit of sunshine in this otherwise stormy life. Not saying we are 100%, but at least things are better then they were…I’d say we’re close to 80% and moving up every day.

Business…well, that’s a whole different story. I hate being self-employed anymore. I do not like my work, I do not like our customers, I do not like our employees, I just don’t like people, I guess..lol We tried to change over to an incorporation only to find out that the so-called “accountant” that was helping us do so was actually trying to take control of our business behind our backs. He charged us thousands of dollars to accomplish absolutely nothing. We had to go to a different accountant to help us fix things and were charged thousands of dollars yet again. Uncle Sam has decided that since we are now incorporated that our tax rate should triple so that has put a major strain on our pocket book. We are now behind on taxes and I’m sure there will be a tax lien or worse put out eventually although I’ve been trying to make payments….I’m sure that won’t be good enough.

Employees have been real assholes too. We’ve had two quit with no notice…three we found out were stealing from us (they are being prosecuted at the moment), and had to fire one because he never wanted to show up for work. Hubby is exhausted because he’s trying to pick up all of their slack.

Facing THREE lawsuits at the moment too. First is the result of an accident that an ex-driver had almost 3 years ago. The person who he hit decided that he wanted to sue US to pay for damages and his pain and suffering so that’s been ongoing. Yes, our insurance will cover whatever but still. it’s a headache. Second is obviously the theft that our wonderful employees decided to bestow on us. Materials and fuel from vehicles and who knows what else. And the icing on the cake was the paperwork I received yesterday from that ONE employee who we let go because he never showed up to work. Well, he claims that my husband constantly harassed him because he is black and that is why he never came to work, he just couldn’t handle it. Yeah, right. My husband is not like that.

I’ve been having health problems lately and I know they are stress related. I can’t sleep, been breaking out in hives almost every day and have nonstop migraines. My neck and back are always stiff and tight. I’m sure my blood pressure is through the roof. I can’t talk to people without being on the verge of tears half the time. I just want to sleep but can’t. It’s an endless, vicious cycle.

So, yeah, never say “What else can go wrong?” because as soon as those words leave your lips, the “what else” WILL show up.

Well, my daughter is now a married woman..as of…2 hours ago. She married the scum who’s caused my family nothing but pain since he showed his face. We didn’t go. Hubby, me nor my son showed our faces. I’m sure there will be plenty of questions, plenty of “you should have’s” issued when other family members see me, but you know what, I don’t care.

I held my ground, I didn’t back down just to please everybody else. I at least let my daughter have a drama free wedding day although I’m positive the rest of her life will not be drama free.

I’ve been so stressed over the past few weeks, ok months, and things are really starting to spin out of control. I’ve lost my relationship with my daughter, my husband, someone I thought was a true friend, now our business is spiraling downward and employees are dropping off like flies. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I keep thinking that I’ll catch a break, but instead I keep getting hit with bombs. I just want to curl up, go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t want to die (don’t worry there), I just don’t want to deal with anything anymore.